Runaway Bride Script
FADE IN
EXT. AN IMPOSSIBLE EXPANSE OF MARYLAND FARMLAND - DAY
The wind rustles the endless field of corn, blows over the
freshly mown meadow of soybeans, and magically sways a copse of
trees.
It’s a Fall after-noon. A SUDDEN POUNDING OF GALLOPING HOOVES
breaks the peace and... A HORSE and RIDER burst between the rows
of corn into the meadow. They are running for their lives.
CLOSE ON:
The rider is a bride -- a beautiful woman dressed in a
disheveled wedding gown, it’s train tattered and flying like a
knight’s banner out behind her. This is MAGGIE CARPENTER.
The horse is frothing and wild-eyed, like the bride, who turns
to look behind her in terror. The horse’s labored breathing
mingles with Maggie’s panicked gasps.
We see a WEDDING BOUQUET fly into a ditch as the horse thunders
on. Maggie clings to the reins. She looks as though she is
running from the devil himself.
FADE TO BLACK
EXT. IKE’S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
Establishing.
CUT TO:
EXT. IKE’S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY - ESTABLISHING SHOT
EXT. NEW YORK STREET - DAY
IKE (V.O.)
Hey, Fisher, pick up. I have some
column ideas I want to bounce off you.
Not there? Okay. Listen I’m thinking
of writing about those mind-numbing
informercials that are always on.
Ike walks out of his apartment building talking on cell phone.
IKE (cont’d)
What do you think? Good idea, right?
Boring, down to death, pointless -- It
sucks.
Ike yells at a CONSTRUCTION WORKER.
IKE (cont’d)
If you guys are here any longer,
they’re gonna make you sign a lease.
CONSTRUCTION WORKER
Your column should be so funny.
Ike turns and walks down the street, talking into cell phone.
IKE
Okay, I was also thinking I might write
about...
He spots a RICH LADY with tons of diamonds getting out of a
Limousine, talking to a CHAUFFEUR. He goes up to her.
IKE (cont’d)
Excuse me. I was thinking of doing an
article on limousines. What would you
say to people who never had a chance to
drive in a limo?
They walk up to her DOORMAN.
LADY
I’m sorry, I don’t know any people like
that.
Ike walks off. They stare at him as he goes.
EXT. ANOTHER NEW YORK STREET - DAY
Ike’s talking on the phone to his friend’s machine again.
IKE
(into phone)
Fisher? Come on -- I know you’re
sitting there laughing at me. Pick up.
I want to run an idea past you.
Ike continues walking now in the full panic of writer’s block.
He pleads into his friend’s answering machine as he walks.
IKE (cont’d)
(into phone)
I just could use someone to toss it
back and forth with for a few minutes,
get the juice flowing, help me. I have
an hour and twenty-seven minutes and
fifty-two seconds. Hello?
He walks away from the t-shirt table towards the bar. The
Vendor calls out to him.
T-SHIRT VENDOR
Hey, Ike, when are you going to put me
in an article?
IKE
When your t-shirts stop shrinking.
Ike enters the bar. The Woman drops the shirt she was holding
and walks off with her children. The T-shirt Vendor goes back
to selling his shirts.
INT. NEW YORK BAR - LATE DAY
Ike sits at the bar speaking to an attractive Woman nearby, a
MAN puts is USA Today on the bar and addresses the BARTENDER.
MAN
I see photos of a lot of dead writers
on these walls. Got any living ones?
I have a story to tell that could win
one of them a Pulitzer.
(then, with enthusiasm)
Picture this, if you will. A small
town in Maryland, a sleepy little
village, within that a hardware store...
The Man continues speaking as Ike and the woman continue their
conversation.
WOMAN
So what’s in store for us in tomorrow’s
column?
IKE
I don’t know yet. I’m kind of a last-
minute man. Ideas don’t flow until an
hour or two before deadline.
The Woman gets up and begins throwing darts.
WOMAN
(interrupting)
This is very interesting. You get your
ideas for your column from life. You
start up a conversation with a woman in
a bar, attack her choice of reading
material, try and get a rise out of her
while you contemplate whether or not
she’s worth hitting on.
IKE
No, I can’t hit on you until I get an
idea.
She starts throwing darts.
WOMAN
That’s flattering.
IKE
No, you don’t understand.
The Woman goes to her bar stool, gathering her bag and leaves a
tip for the Bartender.
WOMAN
I think I do understand. So my not
responding to your baiting me will
inspire one of those potential bitter
diatribes you love to write about women
and all the things we do to drive men
crazy?
IKE
(taken aback)
I don’t write bitter diatribes about
women... very often.
She whacks him with a newspaper, then shakes his hand.
WOMAN
Only when the ideas aren’t flowing,
huh? Well, it was very nice to meet
you, one-minute man.
The Woman leaves the bar.
IKE
(as she exits)
That’s last minute man.
(then, louder)
And it’s the quality that counts.
BARTENDER
You know, for a good looking man, you
strike out a lot.
MAN
I’ve seen much worse.
The phone rings. Te Bartender answers it as Ike sits back on
his bar stool. Ike grabs the woman’s magazine that she left on
the bar and starts glancing at it. The Man at the bar has heard
the whole thing.
MAN (cont’d)
I said, I’ve seen much worse.
Ike looks at the Man with reservation. The Man is George
Swilling.
IKE
Excuse me?
MAN
The brush-off.
Ike gets up and moves to the dart board. He removes the darts.
MAN (cont’d)
I’ve witnessed far more treacherous and
nefarious exits than that. At least
she castigated you in private.
IKE
Not as private as I thought.
Ike turns slightly, giving the man his back.
IKE (cont’d)
Kevin, you’ve got some napkins?
BARTENDER
Writing or wiping?
IKE
Give me a pen.
The Bartender gives him cocktail napkins and a pen. Ike starts
making notes. Ike looks up from his writing. The Man gets up
and starts throwing darts.
MAN
(throwing darts hard)
Ah, come on. They deserve it. They
love you, they hate you, they’re hot,
they’re cold, they’re high, they’re
low...
IKE
... They’re up, they’re down. It’s
really fun making this list with you,
but I’ve got a column to go write.
BARTENDER
Ike.
MAN
(undeterred)
But you don’t have a really superb idea!
Well, there’s a girl from my hometown
you could write about.
Ike moves to the Bartender and pays him.
BARTENDER
(to Man)
Excuse me, we don’t need any new ideas.
MAN
She likes to dump grooms right at the
altar. They call her "The Runaway
Bride".
Both Ike and Bartender turn and stare.
MAN
She performed the travesty seven or
eight times. Right at the altar she
turns around and runs like hell.
Bolts.
Ike turns and heads for the door. The Man calls after him,
getting up from his stool without stopping his enthusiastic
story.
MAN (cont’d)
Adios. Plows down the aisle, knocking
old ladies out of her way like the
running of the bulls at Pamplona. And
guess what?
IKE
I give up.
MAN
She has the next victim all lined up.
She’s twirling another body on the
spit.
Ike stops in his tracks. He turns back around in spite of
himself.
MAN
(beginning his story)
Imagine if you will, a small town in
Maryland...
CUT TO:
INT. IKE’S APARTMENT - DUSK
Ike sits at his computer, cassette player with Miles Davis PLAYS
next to him as he types away reading his handiwork to himself.
IKE
(reading)
"Today is a day of profound
introspection, I have been accused
of using this column to direct bitter
diatribes at the opposite sex! This
uncomfortable accusation has plunged me
into at least fifteen minutes of
serious reflection, from which I have
emerged with the conclusion that, yes
-- I traffic in female stereotypes."
EXT. USA TODAY OFFICE - DAY
FISHER walks through the main office reading the paper.
FISHER
"But how can one blame me when every
time I step out my front door I meet
fresh proof that the female archetypes
are alive and well? Te mother, the
virgin, the whore, the crone; they’re
elbowing you in the subway, stealing
your cabs, and overwhelming you with
perfume in elevators."
INT. USA TODAY OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Elaine at her desk reads aloud to herself.
ELAINE
"But perhaps, in fairness to the fairer
sex, I do need to broaden my horizon
and add some new goddesses to the
pantheon: I would like to nominate for
deity..."
Fisher hands a file to Elaine.
FISHER
"... The cheerleader, the coed, and the
man-eater, the last of which concerns me
most today."
Fisher leaves and we hold a USA Today sign.
CUT TO:
INT. NEW YORK BAR - DAY
The Man comes out of the men’s room reading the USA Today,
Kevin, the Bartender, stands on the bar reading the same
article.
MAN
(reads)
"To be fair, the man-eater isn’t
exactly new. In Ancient Greece, this
fearsome female was known as Erinys,
the devouring death goddess. In India,
she is Kali, who likes to devour her
boyfriend Shiva’s entrails while her
yoni devour his -- dot dot dot, never
mind. In Indonesia, the bloody-jawed
man-eater is called Ragma..."
Te Man sits at the bar near to the Bartender.
BARTENDER
You noticed these are all countries
without cable.
(then, continues
reading)
"... And in Hale, Maryland where she
helps run the family hardware store.
She is known as Miss Maggie Carpenter
..."
(mispronounces)
".... AKA, the Runaway Bride."
CUT TO:
EXT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCK - DAY
WORKERS read the above article.
INT./EXT. BEAUTY PARLOR / HALE, MARYLAND - DAY
PEGGY and MRS. PRESSMAN exit the parlor and stroll down the
street. (lowers her paper and reads.)
PEGGY (cont’d)
"... And in Hale, Maryland where she
helps run the family hardware store."
(to the Women)
We have to go to Maggie. Cindy, mind
the shop.
(exits salon;
continues reading)
"... She is known as Miss Maggie
Carpenter, AKA, the Runaway Bride."
MRS. PRESSMAN
Holy moly.
The older one, Mrs. Pressman, listens with a pained expression
as the younger one, Peggy, continues to read the column aloud.
Neither one can believe what they’re reading.
PEGGY
(reads)
"What is unusual about Miss Carpenter
is that she likes to dress her men up
as grooms before she devours them. She
has already disemboweled six in a row
by leaving them at the altar."... I
can’t ready anymore.
MRS. PRESSMAN
(takes paper from
her, reads)
"And her ritual feast continues as she
prepares to make a sacrifice out of the
seventh fiance. So all bets are on and
we hope that this boomerang bride isn’t
honeymooning with Las Vegas odds makers
because many predict that this girl is
out of there before the race... before
the rice hits the ground"
(then)
Holy moly.
Peggy and Mrs. Pressman step into a hardware store.
INT. HARDWARE STORE - CONTINUOUS
Peggy and Mrs. Pressman enter, worried.
MRS. PRESSMAN
You tell Maggie.
PEGGY
No, you tell her.
MRS. PRESSMAN
No, no. You’re her best friend.
PEGGY
No.
MRS. PRESSMAN
(holding her
newspaper)
You know, it’s just possible that she
hasn’t read this yet.
PEGGY
Yeah.
MRS. PRESSMAN
Maybe she hasn’t read the paper...
On the counter, they see a copy of USA Today opened to the
article about Maggie.
MRS. PRESSMAN (cont’d)
... Or not!
We follow MAGGIE down the back stairs inside The Hale Hardware
Store, the prettiest, most welcoming shop of its kind anywhere
in small town USA. Somehow the place ha taken on the spirit of
the owner’s daughter; both stop and shop-girl radiate brightness,
charm, and possibility. Maggie comes down steps with a faucet
handle and goes to an elderly customer, MR. PAXTON.
MAGGIE
(bright)
Here we go! One antique hot water
handle with the "HOT" still on it,
guaranteed to fit any American Standard
cast iron tub with a four-inch center
made between 1924 and 1938. In other
words, I think you’re out of the
doghouse with Mrs. Paxton.
MR. PAXTON
(amazed)
Hallelujah.
MAGGIE
Alright, Mr. Paxton, I’ll put it on
your account.
Maggie rounds the bend, another customer, EARL, stands by the
paint machine.
EARL
Maggie.
MAGGIE
(walking past customer)
You don’t need an air conditioner, Earl,
you just need an attic fan -- There’s
more in the back.
Maggie steps behind the front counter of the store and takes the
account book out. Her voice trails off as she sees the dour
expression on the faces of her friends.
MAGGIE (cont’d)
What?
Peggy nervously mentions the newspaper.
PEGGY
(delicate)
So -- Mag -- you’ve seen this, huh?
MAGGIE
(serious)
Yes, I’ve seen it. And I have to say
it’s the rudest and most offensive...
joke anybody’s ever played on me!
To their amazement, Maggie starts smiling.
MAGGIE (cont’d)
You guys! How long did this take you?
Maggie stays amused.
MAGGIE (cont’d)
Where’d you get this done?
(laughing)
You creeps! I should disinvite you!
And why did you say seven times? This
is four.
PEGGY
Uh, Maggie, you told us to bachelorette
jokes, so we didn’t...
Maggie looks at the stricken face of her friends.
MRS. PRESSMAN
Holy moly.
Peggy looks like she is going to cry with sympathy for Maggie.
Maggie is starting to feel uncomfortable. She looks down,
dubiously, at the paper.
MAGGIE
Um, you know, now would be a good
moment to tell me this is fake.
(no response)
It won’t be funny if you drag it out.
Okay?
(no response)
Okay, well... I mean, I can find out...
Real newspapers smear. Phoney papers
don’t.
She picks up the paper and brushes it against her apron, leaving
an INK SMEAR!!
She nearly kneels over.
MAGGIE (cont’d)
(sitting)
Bag.
Peggy and Mrs. Pressman immediately spring to her side. They
give her a bag to breathe in.
MRS. PRESSMAN
Bag.
CUT TO:
INT. MAGGIE’S WORKOUT ROOM/GYM - NIGHT
We see Maggie kickboxing in anger. The radio is on. She
suddenly stops, yanks Ike’s article off the wall, leaves her
workout area and goes to her desk.
ANGLE ON DESK AREA:
She turns off the radio and begins to type her letter.
MAGGIE (V.O.)
"Dear Editor..."
EXT. MANHATTAN - DAY - ESTABLISHING SHOT
As Maggie’s VOICE-OVER continues to read her letter, we take in
a Manhattan busy day. It is big, loud, and anonymous.
MAGGIE (V.O.; cont’d)
"Greeting from the sticks! Perhaps you
believe that a rural education is
focused mainly on hog calling and
tractor maintenance rather than reading.
Why else would you print a piece of
fiction about me and call it fact?"
Te CAMERA FINDS Ike, striding across a busy street, dodging
taxies. A WOMAN smacks him with a newspaper. He passes a WOMAN
TRAFFIC OFFICER, then a hot dog stand. He greets and passes a
FALAFEL VENDOR. THE CAMERA PANS to a USA Today Truck.
MAGGIE (V.O.; cont’d)
"I suppose Mr. Graham was too busy
thinking us slanderous statements about
how I dump men for kicks to bother with
something silly like accuracy in
reporting. Which is understandable,
because with a "man-eater" like me on
the loose, who has time to check facts?"
EXT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCKS - CONTINUOUS
He passes regular GUYS who cheer him.
MAGGIE (V.O.; cont’d)
"Still, we cannibalistic queens can get
pretty cranky when we see things in
print that hurt our feelings, like that
we deliberately abandon fiances with
malice aforethought."
INT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCKS - CONTINUOUS
He enters the newspaper building, going to Ellie’s office.
INT. USA TODAY OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
He walks through the crowded city room. His arrival attracts a
lot of attention from his CO-WORKERS. Ike seems a little
surprised, but he’s pleased.
MAGGIE (V.O.; cont’d)
"That’s why I was surprised to find Mr.
Graham’s editor was a woman. Call me a
sentimental fool, but I sort of hoped
we man-eater could stick together."
Ike works his way down the hall to the editor’s office. CHUFFA
Ike greets various workers. He steps up to the editor’s
secretary, ELAINE. She doesn’t smile.
IKE
(to Elaine)
I’ll put in a good word for you.
ELAINE
No, no, don’t mention my name in there.
IKE
Why?
A buzz.
ELAINE
You can go in now.
Ike goes into Ellie’s office. Elaine picks up her phone.
CUT TO:
INT. ELLIE’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
ELLIE is that editor. Stylish and successful looking, she’s
about Ike’s age. Ellie sits behind a big desk with a scowl on
her pretty face. Her casual-looking husband, Fisher, sits
nonchalantly on the arm of the couch. Ike enters as Ellie reads
Maggie’s letter.
ELLIE
(reading letter)
"Anyway, I’m just dropping you big city
folk this little note to say that I have
thought of a ritual sacrifice that would
satisfy my current appetite: Ike
Graham’s column on a platter. Yours
truly, Maggie Carpenter. P.S. -- I
have inclosed a list of the gross
factual misrepresentations in your
article. There are fifteen."
Ike sits as Ellie puts the letter down and takes off her glasses.
IKE
(chuckles as he sits)
Fully. I like her. She has wit.
ELLIE
I left four messages. You don’t return
my calls.
IKE
So? I never returned your calls, even
when we were married. And what’s
Fisher doing here anyway?
Fisher gets and places a photo of the cat on a bookshelf on his
way to the other side of the room.
FISHER
Ellie asked me to come down to offer
moral support.
IKE
Since when does Ellie need moral supp--
ELLIE
-- It’s for you, Ike.
IKE
What?
ELLIE
Journalism lesson number one. If you
fabricate your facts, you get fired.
Ellie pushes USA Today lawyer’s letter across the desk for him
to read. Ike picks it up and skims the letter. His face is as
impassive as stone.
IKE
Lesson number two. Never work for your
former spouse.
ELLIE
That’s not nothing to do with it. You
cooked this story up and you know it.
IKE
I didn’t cook up a story. I had a
source.
ELLIE
Someone reliable, I’m sure. A booze-
hound in a bar?
FISHER
In vino veritas.
IKE
Don’t knock drunk guys in bars. Drunk
guys in bars are good. It means
they’re not driving.
Ike gets up and stands near Ellie, making his point.
IKE (cont’d)
Besides, I’m a columnist. This is what
columnists are supposed to do. This is
what you like. We push, we stretch, we
go out on a limo. That’s what makes me
good!
ELLIE
No, that’s what makes you unemployed.
IKE
I merely write the stuff. You’re the
one that serves it up.
Ike puts down the letter and puts his glasses back into his
pocket.
ELLIE
Not anymore. I have to draw the line.
(pushing a piece
of paper)
She sent us this list. Our lawyers say
it’s actionable.
Ellie hands Ike Maggie’s list.
IKE
(scoffs)
Lawyers.
(glances at list)
I don’t know, Ellie -- Firing me is
going to be very tough on you. It’s
going to be hard to get over. There
will be therapy bills for you.
ELLIE
(shrugs)
I already made an appointment for later
today.
IKE
(putting the list
down, standing)
See? You want custody of my job? ...
Why not just consider my wrist slapped
and call me when you feel I’ve served
my time?
ELLIE
I’m sorry, Ike. This is permanent.
Fisher winces and looks away. Ike and Ellie look at each other
for a sober moment.
ELLIE (V.O.; cont’d)
If you go quietly, I’ll get you
severance pay.
Ellie fidgets with her toy rake, then Ike heads for the door.
He laughs a little at the painful truth of her words and walks
out. Ellie collapses back in her chair. Fisher goes to her and
rubs her shoulders.
EXT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCK - DAY
Ike rides sadly on the back of a forklift, gets off and walks
out.
EXT. HALE RESIDENTIAL STREET - ANOTHER MORNING
ANGLE ON MAGGIE’S HOUSE:
A train goes by. A modest clapboard house with a porch. Two
entrances. A PAPERBOY tosses a paper onto the lawn in front of
the house. The front door opens and Maggie appears fresh out of
bed, wearing only a jacket and panties. Heedless of being seen
this way, she scampers out to the sidewalk to pick up her
delivered paper: USA Today. She tears off the plastic bag and
rips into it, looking for her letter. She finds it. A smile on
her face, then she scampers back into the house.
INT. MAGGIE’S HOUSE - THAT MOMENT
Maggie skips back into her house which she shares with Father
and Grandma. A cozy and eclectic place creatively furnished on
a shoe-string. She rushes into: KITCHEN WHERE BOB KELLY,
fiance #4, is packing cans into a backpack. Bob, 38, has a
pleasant face and a body that is almost shockingly buff. He’s
wearing a T-shirt that reads: "Mountaineers Do It Against the
Wall.", Maggie dances over, waving the paper and singing.
MAGGIE
She canned him, she canned him...
Bob test the weight of the backpack adding dehydrate food.
BOB
Come here, Mag, and try this on.
Maggie puts the paper on the kitchen counter and starts to read
aloud, paying no mind to Bob, who is sticking her arms through
the straps of the backpack.
MAGGIE
Listen: "Dear Ms. Carpenter, I
apologize to you for this unfortunate
matter. Ike Graham’s column will no
longer be appearing in this paper.
Best of luck in you upcoming marriage!"
Bob continues to hold up the weight of the backpack as he straps
it onto Maggie’s shoulders.
BOB
That-a-girl! You sacked him.
(checking pack)
This is the weight of the pack you’re
going to have to carry in the Himalayas.
Tell me if it’s too heavy.
Bob lets go and Maggie FALLS BACKWARD, disappearing behind the
counter, and hitting the floor, with a THUD. Bob looks down at
her. Maggie’s voice rises from the floor behind the counter.
MAGGIE (o.s.)
It’s a little... It’s a little heavy...
Help me, baby.
Bob has no answer. He reaches a hand down. He yelps as Maggie
pulls him down on top of her, out of frame. We HEAR them giggle
and kiss.
INT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCK - ANOTHER DAY
Fisher uses the dock for a photo shoot featuring men and women
in evening and formal wear from Escada for G.Q. Fisher is not
actually shooting the camera, but rather supervising it.
Fisher claps his hands and calls the models to attention. Then
he goes onto the stage and sets the models in their positions.
FISHER (cont’d)
Remember, we are putting the "fun" back
into formal.
(to Ike)
I just say that for the agency guys. I
don’t even know what that means. Now
follow me.
INT. USA TODAY OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY
Elevator doors open. Ike and Fisher exit and walk towards the
coffee table.
FISHER
Ike, I really liked the Runaway Bride
piece, and since I do freelance stuff
for G.Q., I’m in a different position
now...
IKE
What are you trying to say to me, Fish?
They stop walking.
FISHER
Vindication. How would you like to get
some? A chance to prove that, though
your facts weren’t entirely straight,
your theory was correct.
IKE
(hiding his hope)
The real story on Miss Carpenter.
FISHER
All the gory details.
They start walking again.
IKE
(excited)
The anatomy of the black widow spider
of Maryland.
FISHER
It wouldn’t be a bad way to get you
back into writing feature pieces
again.
IKE
(enthusiastically)
This is good. It is a good story,
Fish.
They stop at the coffee table and grab something to eat.
FISHER
(nods)
If she runs, then it’s a cover story.
All true. All accurate.
IKE
(confesses)
Okay, you were right. I hated my
column, but I can do this assignment.
FISHER
Then you’ve got it. If you leave
tomorrow for the hinterlands, you’ll
have plenty of time before her next
wedding trot.
IKE
"Paid vindication" That’s what I call
justice.
FISHER
Justice, yes. Paid, I don’t know.
They like the idea, but my hands are
tied with budget restraints.
IKE
But I’ll get my normal fee, right?
He walks away.
IKE
You want me to do it on spec?!
He follows him.
CUT TO:
EXT. MARYLAND HIGHWAY - DAY
We see Ike driving down the highway. The car sputters a little
as he and Fisher continue their conversation in voice-over. (If
needed by the editor.)
FISHER (V.O.)
Don’t say "spec" like it’s a dirty word.
Nobody ever paid Shakespeare to write a
play! Plato never got a book advance...
IKE (V.O.)
Oh yeah! I happen to know from
reliable sources that Nietzche got
expenses and a rental car.
We hear Fisher laugh.
IKE (V.O.; cont’d)
I’m going to make this work, Fish. I’m
going to do it!
Ike’s car drives into Hale, passing a billboard reading,
"Welcome to Hale."
CUT TO:
EXT. HALE STREET - DAY
Ike drives down picturesque Main Street. He passes Hale
Hardware. Sign says: "At Curl. Be back soon."
EXT. ATLANTIC HOTEL - DAY
A BARBERSHOP QUARTET is singing in front of the only hotel in
town. Ike pulls up and goes inside.
INT. LOBBY/ATLANTIC HOTEL - DAY
Ike has checked into the Atlantic Hotel. The clerk, LEE, hands
him his key. Ike asks about room service and the restaurant.
An OLDER WOMAN asks him if he plays bridge as he goes up the
stairs to his room.
EXT. HALE MAIN STREET - DAY
Ike exits his hotel as the Barber Shop Quartet finishes singing
"Camptown Races."
He now walks down the charming main artery of the town, looking
exactly like what he is: a cynical New York out of his element
on sunny Main Street, USA. KIDS ride by on bikes, streaming
balloons behind them. A balloon hits Ike on the face. As he
crosses the street, he mutters into his tape recorder:
IKE
I think I’m in Maryberry.
Flags hang on all the storefronts and the place sparkles with
wholesome attitudes as PEOPLE greet each other familiarly. Ike
comes to beauty parlor called "Curl Up and Dye". The place is
doing business and crowded with WOMEN.
INT. BEAUTY PARLOR - DAY
Cindy, the manicurist, does Mrs. Pressman’s nails. Maggie sits
on the floor next to Peggy’s salon chair, fixing the base of a
barber chair. She tightens a screw and looks up, satisfied.
Cindy’s dog is on the floor near Maggie.
MAGGIE
Cindy, you better 86 Sprout. He seems
to be enjoying the petroleum
distillates.
Cindy rolls over in her chair, picks up her dog and rolls back
to her station.
CINDY
That’s it. Back to obedience school.
MAGGIE
(to Peggy)
Okay -- have a seat... gently,
carefully.
Peggy sits in the chair. Maggie spins her around and around.
PEGGY
(delighted as
she spins)
You’re a goddess!
MAGGIE
I didn’t even need to change this
gasket, just put in a little hydraulic
fluid.
PEGGY
Stop it. When you talk like that, I
get turned on and it frightens me.
JUST THEN. Ike enters the salon, taking off his sunglasses.
Peggy hops off the chair.
IKE
Hello. I’m looking for Maggie
Carpenter. There was a sign at the
hardware store across the street...
PEGGY
Are you a reporter?
It’s a little early in the game for Ike to be thrown off guard.
IKE
(shocked)
What?
PEGGY
(eyeing his loafers)
It’s been our experience that anyone
with some sort of gewgaw on his loafers
ends up being another big city reporter
wanting to interview Maggie.
IKE
About her upcoming wedding and all.
PEGGY
No, about her getting that asshole from
New York fired.
Ike smiles down at his loafers and shrugs.
IKE
I am just such a reporter. And you are?
PEGGY
Peggy Phleming. Not the ice skater.
Peggy steps aside. Ike moves toward Cindy and Mrs. Pressman.
IKE
And who are these lovely ladies?
Te ladies shake his hand and introduce themselves.
CINDY
Cindy. Maggie’s unmarried cousin.
MRS. PRESSMAN
Mrs. Pressman. No relation.
PEGGY
And you are?
IKE
(turning toward her)
Looking for Maggie.
PEGGY
Yep. Maggie -- Someone to see you.
Maggie looks over from her sitting position on the floor. She
gives Ike the once-over, focusing on the shoes.
MAGGIE
(yelling to Peggy)
Reporter?
PEGGY
Yup!
Ike crouches to see Maggie on the floor just as she rises to her
feet. Ike straightens up. For a moment, he is thrown by her
beauty and intelligent eyes.
MAGGIE
I hope you have a different angle.
It’s pretty much all been covered.
IKE
Originality is my speciality.
MAGGIE
Excellent.
PEGGY
Hold on -- Nobody interviews Maggie in
here unless they’re getting haircut.
MAGGIE
She’s the boss.
IKE
Sorry, no. I just got one.
MRS. PRESSMAN
(to Ike)
Excuse me, sir. I have an actual fact
for you.
IKE
(steps to Mrs. Pressman)
Yes, Mrs. Pressman.
MRS. PRESSMAN
It’s her fourth time to the altar, you
know. Not seven like they said.
IKE
I know. Tell me something. Do you
think she’s going to make it all the
way this time?
During the Ike/Mrs. Pressman exchange, Maggie looks at Ike.
There’s something familiar about him. She looks over at Peggy
and beckons her to a copy of Ike’s column affixed to a mirror.
A goatee and horns, have been scrawled on Ike’s byline picture.
He’s been "devilized". Peggy coughs as she recognizes Ike in
the newspaper clipping.
MAGGIE
She swallowed her gun.
Mrs. Pressman continues her story to Ike.
MRS. PRESSMAN
I’m not sure. Mr. Schullian runs the
newsstand, he’s our local bookie, you
know, he’s giving eight to one odds she
won’t. He says she’s so famous now,
maybe Vegas will give odds on her. I’m
going to wait to hear what the pros say.
IKE
Good fact. Well, you let me know.
MRS. PRESSMAN
Oh, I will.
ANGLE ON:
Maggie indicates column to Peggy. She looks over at the part of
the shop used to wash and dye hair. There’s a sink, stool and a
cabinet affixed to the wall above sink, which holds various
shampoos and hair dyes. Maggie gets an idea. Maggie and Peggy
step forward toward Ike.
MAGGIE
Well, instead of a haircut, how about
a wash? You know, get all that city
grit out of it.
IKE
You’ll answer my questions?
Maggie nods affirmatively.
IKE (cont’d)
(removing his jacket)
Fine. You wash, I’ll ask the
questions.
PEGGY
Great.
Ike hands Peggy his jacket. A mystified Peggy leads Ike to the
sink. While she does this...
MAGGIE
Have a seat. Peggy, why don’t you give
him the special treatment that
strengthens the follicles.
Ike sits in the chair near the sink. Maggie shakes out a smock
and puts it around Ike.
MAGGIE (cont’d)
So, what do you want to know?
Ike leans and rests his head on the sink. Peggy bends over him
and wets his hair. She grabs various hair coloring products.
IKE
Getting nervous?
MAGGIE
Nervous? Not at all! No. I’ve never
been more certain in my life. Except
-- I am having all kinds of weird
dreams.
Ike pulls the cloth down from over his face.
IKE
Weird dreams? You’re going to tell me
about them?
MAGGIE
Yes.
PEGGY
(calming)
Let’s just put this back here for the
aromatherapy.
Peggy recovers his face, then continues to fuss with the hair
coloring products. Maggie helps.
INT. BEAUTY PARLOR - LATER
Ike sits with a towel over his head as Peggy blow-dries the back
of his head. His back is to the mirror, his body faces Maggie.
Cindy does her own nails as Mrs. Pressman scratches off lottery
tickets. The dog, Sprout, sits in is basket.
MAGGIE
In another one...
PETE, wearing a hat, comes in the front door of the salon.
PEGGY
Hey, Pete, I’ll be right with you.
Ike peeks out from under his towel as Maggie continues.
MAGGIE
I’m inside the church. Everyone I know
is there, only they’re not really them.
They’re like Frankenstein monsters, but
without the bolts coming out of their
necks. It’s all very "Night of the
Living Dead". And here’s the creepiest
part -- I look down at my dress and
it’s red. I mean, I have no idea what
it means. Red’s not my color!
Ike listens intently and stares steadily into her eyes. Peggy
removes the towel. His hair is divided into equal parts and
dyed orange and red.
MAGGIE (cont’d)
So what do you think?
Ike stares back at her, the tickle of suspicion creeping up his
spine.
IKE
I think you’d look good in red.
PEGGY
No, she’s talking about your hair.
Maggie swivels his chair so that Ike faces the mirror. Ike
looks at his brightly colored hair.
MAGGIE
You’re all ready for football season,
Mr. Graham.
Ike stares at his hair in total confusion. With icy calm, Ike
rises from his chair and primps the end of his hair as if giving
it the finishing touches. Then he sees his defaced newspaper
clipping and all becomes clear. He picks up the article and
shows it to everyone. Ike does a slow burn.
IKE
Yes, I think I nailed the personality
profile of the women of Hale.
Ike turns and puts the clipping up on the mirror.
IKE (cont’d)
(to Peggy)
My jacket, please.
Peggy hands him his jacket.
IKE (cont’d)
(sarcastically)
Thank you.
Ike moves toward the door. He spots Pete.
IKE (cont’d)
(putting on jacket;
to Pete)
Excuse me, Pete, do you know a place
that sells shampoo... Strong shampoo?
PETE
Doc’s Pharmacy. Third and Elm. Tell
him Pete sent you. Want my hat?
IKE
No thanks.
Ike smiles at Maggie and exits.
MAGGIE
(to Peggy)
He seems crabby.
CUT TO:
EXT. MAIN STREET - DAY
In front of beauty salon, Maggie follows Ike out.
MAGGIE
If you’re looking for Elm Street, it’s
that way.
She puts on her sunglasses.
IKE
Thank you.
He walks the other way.
MAGGIE
If you came down here in the pursuit of
happiness, you might as well go back.
Because you can’t make me feel bad.
She stops walking and turns to Ike.
IKE
I’m not here to make you feel bad. I’m
here for vindication. In my heart...
MAGGIE
You have one?
Ike walks back to Maggie.
IKE
I feel I’m right about you. You got me
fired, lady. You destroyed my
reputation and you screwed up my hair.
You chew men up, spit them out and
loved it. And I’m down here to satisfy
myself on that point.
PASSERSBY stare at Ike’s hair and giggle.
MAGGIE
Did something happen to make you care
about reality?
IKE
Yes. Conviction. Conviction that I’m
onto the truth. You’re going to do the
same thing to "poor bastard number four"
that you did to the last three. You’re
going to run again. And I’m not
leaving until you do.
MAGGIE
You’re going to be very disappointed.
IKE
We’ll see.
MAGGIE
I’d love to stay and chat, but I’ve got
to get back to work. I still have my
job.
He stares at her for a beat, stung by her words.
MAGGIE
I have nothing to hide, Mr. Graham.
Talk to whoever you want. You might
actually stumble upon a fact or two.
Maggie walks away. Ike walks a few steps and stops at a KID on
a bike.
IKE
Hey, kid, I’ll give you ten bucks for
your hat.
Kid agrees. Ike puts the hat on and starts to cross the street.
An OLD WOMAN walks by and hits him with a newspaper. Ike is
stunned.
EXT. MAGGIE’S HOUSE - DUSK
Maggie pulls into the driveway in her truck. She’s in a fine
mood as she walks right in the house.
INT. MAGGIE’S HOUSE - DUSK
Bob, Walter, and Maggie’s GRANDMOTHER JULIA sit in the living
room. Grandma is sewing one of Maggie’s wedding veils. Walter
drinks wine, Ike wears a hat.
WALTER
You know, when I only see one dog, I
know I’ve had too much to drink.
Te family dog, Skipper, sits near a ceramic dog table. Maggie
smiles as she walks in the front door and puts down her tool box
and bag.
MAGGIE
You’ll never guess who came crawling
into town with his tail between his
legs.
IKE (o.s.)
Who?
Maggie enters the parlor to see Ike smiling evilly from his seat
on the couch.
IKE (cont’d)
(innocently)
Hello, Maggie. I just came by to
apologize to your family.
(looks to Walter)
When I’m wrong, I’m wrong. I pushed a
story. I made a mistake.
WALTER
In other words -- he’s only human. An
he brought us a bottle of wine.
Raises the bottle to Maggie.
IKE
They made me put my hat back on.
WALTER
Oh, yeah. Scared the hell out of
Skipper.
MAGGIE
You’ve got to be kidding me.
Maggie stares at them both.
BOB
(enjoying the moment)
No, no, you should have seen Skipper.
(then, imitates
growling)
It wasn’t that funny.
Maggie gives him a look that says, "You are not absolved." She
smiles stiffly, looking back at Ike. She then sits on the arm
of Bob’s chair and puts her arm on his shoulder.
MAGGIE
So, the forces of good and evil have
already met.
Maggie takes the wine bottle from the table next to Walter. She
snaps a look to Bob, who follows her.
BOB
I’ll help you take into the kitchen.
GRANDMA JULIA
Check on the crabs, Bob.
We overhear them murmuring in annoyed tones about the wedding
plans as they exit... Walter puts down his drink.
IKE
Gee, I hope they don’t have a fight out
there. You don’t think they’ll call it
off...?
WALTER
Well, wedding cake freezes. This we
know.
IKE
You know, your daughter seems...
Ike notices that he’s been sewn to the veil.
GRANDMA JULIA
Sorry.
IKE
That’s okay, Grandma.
Grandma cuts the thread and separates the veil from Ike’s sleeve.
IKE (cont’d)
(continuing his thought)
... Like such a lovely girl.
Walter points to a portrait painting on the wall.
WALTER
Like her mother.
IKE
(seeing the portrait)
Ah, beautiful.
(gets up to admire
the portrait)
I just can’t see her leaving multiple
grooms in the dust like that.
GRANDMA JULIA
Oh, yes, you can. She’s has ’em all on
tape.
IKE
She has a tape?
WALTER
(good-natured)
Yeah. Lee at the hotel videos wedding.
I mean Maggie didn’t know she was going
to make the hundred-yard dash.
Walter gestures to a pile of video cassettes on the bookcase.
Ike checks on the tapes.
IKE
Dad’s fishing trip, Grandma’s knee
operation, Grandma’s birthday...
WALTER
Gotta tell you this about my daughter.
My daughter makes real good time, even
in a long dress and heels. Maggie may
not be Hale’s longest running joke, but
she certainly is the fastest.
Walter cracks up.
GRANDMA JULIA
(sarcastically)
Ha ha.
CLOSE ON: A tape. It reads: "Maggie I, II, III." Ike’s
interest is more than piqued. Ike picks it up. They get up and
go to the dining room.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. DINNING ROOM/MAGGIE’S HOUSE - NIGHT
The family dog, Skipper, steals food from the table. Walter
scolds him. Walter whacks his crab with his hammer and Ike
copies him.
WALTER (cont’d)
Emma and I were only blessed with one
child, not for lacking of trying.
MAGGIE
This is good, Dad, don’t leave anything
out.
Ike’s hammer flies out of his hand. He goes to pick it up.
WALTER
So I’ve come to see it as a bonus,
really, that we’ve been able to plan,
and pay for, so many weddings.
MAGGIE
Not this one. This one’s on me.
Walter reacts.
IKE
That’s fair.
MAGGIE
Despite what you think, I don’t do it
on purpose. And I have no intention of
doing it again.
BOB
That’s right, Maggie. Just keep your
eye on the ball.
Ike raises his eyebrows in question. Bob explains.
BOB (cont’d)
Sports psychology. It was my major in
college.
IKE
Ahh.
BOB
(false modesty)
I’m the town’s unofficial fitness
trainer. Big advocate of the mind and
body combining for success. You could
say or you can quote me, I’m a glass
half full king of guy.
MAGGIE
(boasting)
Bob’s the head of the P.E. department
at the high school. And he coaches the
football team. And he’s climbed
Everest.
To Maggie’s satisfaction, Ike shoots Bob a look of begrudging
respect. Nobody who’s been up Everest is a total clown.
IKE
(impressed)
Everest. Is that right?
MAGGIE
Twice...
IKE
Really?
MAGGIE
(sticking it to Ike)
Without oxygen...
BOB
My girl likes to brag about me.
Bob and Maggie kiss Ike two little love-birds.
BOB (cont’d)
I’m taking her trekking on Annapurna on
our honeymoon.
Ike is highly amused.
IKE
How romantic.
MAGGIE
(sharply)
We think so.
IKE
Nothing like sharing your nuptial bed
with two Sherpas and a yak.
Walter cracks up, Maggie shoots Ike a look. He smiles back.
CUT TO:
INT. IKE’S HOTEL ROOM/INT. FISHER AND ELLIE’S BEDROOM (NYC)
INTERCUT TELEPHONE CONVERSATION
Fisher and Ellie are exercising. Fisher is on a cycle machine.
Ellie does yoga stretches. Ike sits back on the couch, puts on
his glasses and watches a video taped wedding playing on the TV
screen. Superimposed titles read "Brian Norris wedding."
IKE
(to Fisher; into phone)
You won’t believe what I’m looking at,
Fisher. A videotape of all three train
wrecks.
THE TV - CLOSE
Two flower girls and Peggy enter a crowded church where the
groom, Brian, and his best man wait at the altar.
Now we see Maggie come down the aisle, then walk past the altar.
We see Maggie move away another aisle and out of the church.
SHOCKED WEDDING GUESTS rise in horror, as she runs from this
first wedding. She drags the train boy up the second aisle as
she leaves. Ike hangs up. He gets up to pick up the remote and
then sits back down to watch.
The tape fast-forwards to the next wedding. Now Ike is looking
at a much more relaxed, hipper, backyard wedding. It says,
"Gill Chavez Wedding". He hits the fast-forward button
(sometimes slowing down).
ON TV:
We see the Carpenter’s backyard. It is Gill and Maggie’s
wedding day. The yard is crowded with a MIXTURE of Hells
Angels-types, Deadheads and townspeople. The "altar" is a band
platform against the back fence.
Gill is waiting on the platform with a rock combo playing
Grateful Dead-type music. He makes an introductory speech.
Maggie steps out onto the back porch. She’s beautiful in a
hippie-type wedding ensemble. She walks with her father to a
trampoline. We can see her tattoo. She jumps on the trampoline,
then dives into the crowd. They watch her and body surf her
over their heads to the back fence.
As she hits the stage, she looks at Peggy and Gill, then decides
to go. She jumps off the stage and runs up to a passing GUY on
a dirt bike. She jumps on and turns and waves as she rides
away. During the video, Ike scribbles: "Gill Chavez". Maggie
goes off on dirt bike. The tape fast-forwards to the last of
Maggie’s fiascoes.
ON IKE’STV
He now sees the third wedding. It’s outdoors, in a tree lined
area, MUSICIANS plays. Ike laughs as he discovers that Maggie
approaches the altar on horseback, in a simple white dress,
wearing a crown of flowers. The Maid Marian look. Ike slows the
tape.
ON TV: IT SAYS, "GEORGE SWILLING WEDDING".
As Maggie rides down the aisle, suddenly the horse whinnies!
Maggie has kicked it in the shins. It rears and bolts,
galloping off with the bride. Ike FREEZE FRAMES the tape on an
image of Maggie, hair blowing. Although she is panic-stricken,
her soul seems to shine through in tat single frame. As Ike
stares at her, the smirk fades from his face. He just looks at
her, allowing himself to see her expression, her eyes. He can’t
help it.
She gets to him. Ike gets a restless look on his face. He
stares closely. The groom is George from the bar.
IKE
Kamikaze!
CUT TO:
EXT. TE TROUT BAKERY - THE NEXT DAY
Establishing. High angle wide shot of a bakery in Hale. Ike
exits a neighboring shop and walks down the block. He pauses in
front of the bakery to take a look at Maggie’s truck. As he
does, a middle-aged Black WOMAN walks by and whacks him with a
newspaper. Ike is stunned as she walks off. He turns to a MAN
sitting on a bench.
IKE
Did you see that?
CUT TO:
INT. THE TROUT BAKERY - CONTINUOUS
CLOSE ON a group of plastic grooms and brides on a counter top.
MRS. TROUT is behind the counter helping Maggie with a selection
of grooms for her wedding cake. The groom figures are spread out
on the counter. All sizes and colors, some attached to brides,
some solo, some tuxes, some in dinner jackets.
MRS. TROUT
This one’s very popular, but oh, you’ve
used this one before... Brian. But I
like the white dinner jacket.
MAGGIE
No, he’s no good. Too blond.
MRS. TROUT
(picks up another)
We’ll go with total traditional.
MAGGIE
Too dark.
Then, Ike comes up behind her as she discards another groom.
IKE
But he’s got the Bobster’s eyes.
Maggie cringes at the sound of Ike’s voice.
IKE (cont’d)
No -- the Bobster’s eyes are closer set.
She ignores him and continues her search.
IKE (cont’d)
(to Mrs. Trout)
Could I have two coffees, please? And
what is that wonderful smell?
(seeing the
cinnamon rolls)
I’ll have two of those delicious
looking cinnamon rolls.
MRS. TROUT
Sure.
(picking up a
miniature bride)
Here, Maggie. I think this makes the
best you.
Mrs. Trout steps away to get his order. Ike moves to the other
side of Maggie and picks up the bride and groom figure.
IKE
Let’s see... Excuse me, isn’t that cute?
Ahh...
He makes the bride figure repeatedly knock the groom figure in
the head and run away screaming.
IKE (cont’d)
Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam! Oh, help me!
Help me! Yup! That’s her all right.
Mrs. Trout just about bursts a gut laughing. Maggie takes the
bride from Ike coldly.
MRS. TROUT
You must be that Mr. Graham fellow.
Ike turns and goes to her.
IKE
Yes, I am. And who are you?
MRS. TROUT
Betty Trout. Five dollars.
IKE
(as he pays)
Oh, Betty. I take it you’re going to
be making the wedding cake and they say
you’re throwing --
MRS. TROUT
(interrupting)
-- The luau for Maggie.
She starts picking lint off his sleeve and buttons his cuff.
MAGGIE
(all smiles for
Mrs. Trout)
Grandma made me the cutest outfit. I
can’t wait to show it to you.
IKE
(cynical delight)
A pre-wedding luau?
MRS. TROUT
Yes. My husband and I love luaus.
It’ll be fun.
Mrs. Trout turns and grabs Ike’s bag containing two coffees.
IKE
Fun? Fun isn’t the word.
Mrs. Trout beams. Maggie understands his answer a little better.
Mrs. Trout hands Ike his items and he pays.
MRS. TROUT
If you’re still in town, you should
stop by.
MAGGIE
No, I’m sure he doesn’t.
IKE
(to Mrs. Trout)
Actually, I would love to come.
(taps her service bell)
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Maggie steps over, carrying her bride and groom figure choices.
MAGGIE
(exasperated)
Is that what you’re going to do now?
Follow me around everywhere I go?
Ike smiles at Maggie enigmatically as he picks up his order and
heads for the door.
IKE
No.
He starts to leave with his bag. Mrs. Trout stops him.
MRS. TROUT
(handing him the
other bag)
Your two cinnamon rolls.
IKE
Bye, Betty. Thanks.
He leaves.
MAGGIE
He’s not a nice person.
Maggie hands Mrs. Trout her bride and broom figures. Maggie
looks at Mrs. Trout, suddenly nervous. She dashes out. Mrs.
Trout imitates Ike bamming the bride and groom, laughing.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY
Various High School SPORTS TEAMS practice. Maggie strides across
the football field, a scowl on her face. A few HIGH SCHOOL
FOOTBALL PLAYERS job past Maggie, doing laps. A boy, KENDALL,
calls out to her affectionately as she passes. One of them,
DENNIS, slows his pace to run alongside Maggie.
DENNIS
(playful)
Maggie, don’t marry Coach! Marry me.
I love you.
MAGGIE
You’re jail bait, Dennis. Go away.
Run your laps. Go. Go.
Dennis runs on as Maggie continues toward her goal: Bob and Ike,
standing together on the other side of the field.
ANGLE ON BOB AND IKE
They’re both standing on the blocking sled. Wave after wave of
VARSITY FOOTBALL PLAYERS ram into the sled and drive it across
the field with both Ike and Bob on top of it. Ike is munching on
one of the cinnamon rolls as Bob pushes the KIDS.
BOB
Drive! Drive! From your hips, get low,
get low, get low. Next!
Ike smiles broadly atop of the sled as he sees Maggie
approaching, looking mighty peeved. He nudges Bob and points to
Maggie. Bob lights up at the sight of her.
BOB (cont’d)
Good job, gentlemen... Special teams.
The football players move away from the sled. Bob moves to
Maggie, leaves Ike alone.
BOB (cont’d)
(to Maggie)
Hey, honey!
Bob kisses and embraces Maggie. She doesn’t see Ike immediately,
then:
MAGGIE
(indicating Ike)
What is he up to now?
BOB
Ike just came by to check out the team.
IKE
And talk about you.
Ike grins and shows Maggie the notes in his pocket.
MAGGIE
Bob -- are you making friends with this
man?
BOB
I’m just bragging about how great you
are. I’m the luckiest man alive.
Bob grabs Maggie around the waist and smooches her adoringly.
Maggie scowls at Ike. He nods, all charm.
IKE
Well -- I’ve got to get moving -- lot
of work to do today! I’ll see you two
love-birds later.
Ike leaves. Bob calls after him.
BOB
See you at the wedding.
IKE
You bet ya, Coach.
Maggie is aghast. She stares at Bob. Ike joins in behind a line
of peppy cheerleaders.
MAGGIE
At the wedding? You invite him? Bob,
don’t you realize he’s writing another
article about me?
BOB
Sure I do. But the bet defense is a
good offense, right? You’re not going
to let your opponent throw you off
your game.
MAGGIE
You don’t understand this guy.
BOB
Let him come to the wedding. You’re
not running, right? Say it. "I’m
not..."
MAGGIE
(irritably)
I’m not running.
BOB
So if you’re not running and Ike Graham
is there to see it, then any article he
writes has got to have a happy ending,
right? All we’re doing is turning
lemon into lemonade.
MAGGIE
I’ve got news for you. No amount of
sugar and water is going to turn like
Graham into something you want to take
on a picnic.
Bob gives Maggie a big hug.
BOB
Where’s that homemade sunshine?
Bob blows his whistle, then puts Maggie on the football sled.
BOB (cont’d)
I want you boys to take my princess on
the ride of her life... Honey, tell ’em
where you parked your car.
Maggie screams as the boys push her down the football field.
INT. CONFESSIONAL BOOTH/CHURCH - DAY
Maggie kneels, hands folded reverently. The booth’s grate opens
before her.
MAGGIE
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
My last confession was... ahh...
She tries to recall.
MAGGIE (cont’d)
... Anyway, I have sort of a technical
question here. I’ve been having -- bad
thoughts. I mean, really bad thoughts
...
PRIEST
Of an impure nature?
MAGGIE
No -- like -- I’m having a problem with
that whole turn-the-other-cheek concept.
I want revenge. I want to destroy this
guy’s life, career, everything. On the
sin scale, how big is that? I mean,
can I "Hail Mary" my way out of it?
PRIEST
Child, any sin in one’s heart is...
MAGGIE
(impatient)
The name’s Maggie. It wasn’t this side
of ten years ago that you had your
tongue down my throat. So don’t call
me "child", Brian. It annoys me.
PRIEST/ BRIAN
Now don’t get upset.
Brian closes the confessional window and exits
MAGGIE
(still inside
the booth)
Brian, open up. Don’t ignore me.
Brian leans into her confessional. She steps out to join him.
BRIAN
You’re not even Catholic, Maggie -- you
really shouldn’t come to confession.
He’s a nice looking and gentle man. They regard each other for a
beat.
MAGGIE
I’m sorry. I’m just so stressed out
about that slime-ball reporter being in
town. I jus had to come warn you he
might show up here and start asking you
all kinds of ridiculous questions.
Brian moves away. Maggie follows and sits in a nearby pew.
BRIAN
Actually, he only asked me one
ridiculous question. The rest weren’t
so bad.
MAGGIE
(sliding along
the pew)
What? You talked to him! Did you tell
him we dated before you were a priest?
BRIAN
Yes, yes, I’m sure I only did you good,
Maggie.
MAGGIE
What did he ask?
A woman, MRS. MURPHY, rushes in.
MRS. MURPHY
Father, am I too late?
BRIAN
No, no.
MRS. MURPHY
It won’t take long. Jus two venials.
The woman goes into the confessional booth to wait.
BRIAN
Only respectful things. What did we
have in common back then... What kind
of music did you like... Did you ruin
my life when you left me standing at
the altar...
MAGGIE
And what did you say?
BRIAN
How could I be angry at you when
clearly what has happened to me is as
God intended?
MAGGIE
(relieved)
Good one! Thanks.
BRIAN
It happens to be how I feel.
Brian sits next to Maggie.
MAGGIE
God... Of course. I’m sorry -- I mean,
I’m...
(sighs)
Brian -- I’ve got to go. The man’s a
lunatic, but I know exactly where he’s
going next.
BRIAN
God bless you, Maggie.
She turns to rush out, then stops herself.
MAGGIE
Oh, wait, my purse.
She moves to the confessional, knocks, then speaks to Mrs. Murphy.
MAGGIE (cont’d)
Excuse me, sorry, forgot my purse.
Good luck.
Maggie closes the booth curtain and turns to Brian.
MAGGIE (cont’d)
Wait -- what was the ridiculous
question he asked?
Brian smiles mischievously.
BRIAN
He wanted to know how you used to like
your eggs.
MAGGIE
Weird. Like after all those years you
would remem--
She starts to go, then stops in her tracks as she hears:
BRIAN
(interrupting)
-- Scrambled, with salt, pepper and
dill. Same as me.
Maggie looks at Brian. Suddenly, she remembers too.
MAGGIE
(tenderly)
I’m really sorry that I hurt you, Brian.
BRIAN
I’m happy here, where I’m supposed to
be. But if you ever become a Catholic,
may I ask you a favor, Maggie?
MAGGIE
Of course.
BRIAN
Could your confess to Father Patrick
from now on?
MAGGIE
Of course.
And she scampers out. Brian goes back into the confessional.
EXT. GILL’S GARAGE - DAY
Maggie drives up to an old brick firehouse that is now an auto
garage. The faded sign reads: "Gill’s Garage".
INT. GILL’S GARAGE - DAY
Maggie rushes inside and looks around. No one is in sight.
Several cars, including a yellow jeep-like car up on a hydraulic
lift, are in the funky garage.
MAGGIE
Gill? Lydia? Gill?
A CRASH, coming from the nearby back room, we hear loud muttering
in Spanish, then out stumbles GILL CHAVEZ, 34, wearing a grease-
stained Grateful Dead tie-dyed T-shirt. He grins triumphantly,
worshipfully cradling a CASSETTE TAPE in his hands.
GILL
Hey -- I found it!
Maggie regards her former fiance with patient warmth.
MAGGIE
Found what?
Gill looks up and gives Maggie a fond, hazy smile.
GILL
Mags! Hey, look -- The tape from the
Radio City Music Hall concert --
Remember that night I as trying to get
Jerry to let me sit in on "Ripple"?
He pulls out the cassette from its case. It’s broken. The tape
is dangling from the cassette.
GILL (cont’d)
(disappointed)
Oh, I’ll play it for you.
Gill picks up an electric GUITAR and starts to play.
MAGGIE
(shouts over the music)
Listen, Gill -- There’s this reporter
who’s ben making my life a living hell
... If he comes by here, don’t talk to
him. And whatever yo do....
(crosses to Gill)
... Don’t show him that picture of me
at the concert in San Francisco --
Suddenly, a loud CHUCKLING emanates from the car overhead.
MAGGIE (cont’d)
What was that?
Maggie stops Gill from playing. She shoots her ex an angry glare
and moves a lever on the shop wall. With a HUM, the car descends.
GILL
We went to San Francisco twice.
Remember one time we had a flat tire...
Which p